


blinking at the end of the road

by octoberwithoutyou



Series: nightmares [4]
Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016), Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Developing Relationship, M/M, They talk things out
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-04
Updated: 2017-01-04
Packaged: 2018-09-14 15:17:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,733
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9188642
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/octoberwithoutyou/pseuds/octoberwithoutyou
Summary: It didn’t take K2 long to learn that humans don’t usually take the most rational, easy route of solving conflicts. He liked to create simulations in which everyone realised how many obstacles and difficulties they could avoid if they just did what seemed obvious, but didn’t do because of the negative emotions that overtake them. His favorite simulation was the one in which the conflict got solved because Cassian talked.





	

Cassian and K2 stayed up all night to discuss who to choose as part of their crew for the mission. Bodhi stuck around, claiming he wasn’t really tired. He couldn’t help much, since he didn’t know much about the others to judge their abilities, but his company was appreciated.

Bodhi looked more happy than ever, a tiny smile on his face that didn’t go away the whole evening. And subsequently, Cassian found himself smiling as well sometimes, whenever their eyes met.

They talked til late at night, only stopping because someone on the room next to them pounded on the wall that divided them to tell them to shut up. Calling it a night, Cassian and Bodhi went to bed. No nightmares that night. 

 

“You seem hesitant.” K2 commented. There were only the two of them, as Bodhi was in the hangar. He had found a new friend in one of the pilots, bonding over ships. Sure, that was the only thing they talked about, but it distracted him while Cassian and K2 arranged the details of the mission with High Command. 

Now they were in a conference room, waiting for the others to arrive.

“We both know it would be too late for doubts.” Cassian replied, not looking up from his Datapad. “We have a good crew, this plan looks pretty convincing. It’s fine. I’ll go get some caf.” He left the Datapad on the table and left the room. To K2, it looked like he ran out the door. The droid shook his head.

It didn’t take him long to learn that humans don’t usually take the most rational, easy route of solving conflicts. He liked to create simulations in which everyone realised how many obstacles and difficulties they could avoid if they just did what seemed obvious, but didn’t do because of the negative emotions that overtake them. His favorite simulation was the one in which the conflict got solved because Cassian _talked_.

 

Cassian was great at what he did. K2 knew that because they usually agreed when discussing the tactics of the missions. He was a good pilot, a good soldier, and a good Intelligence officer. If K2 was in the mood, he would even called him a great one. It wasn’t surprising for the droid. After all, Cassian had been a part of the Rebellion since he was six years old.

But something he wasn’t really good at, K2 noted, was relationships. Of any kind. Cassian only hung out with K2, and he didn’t know if that counted, since he wasn’t even human. He was quiet and reserved, but K2 supposed he was hardened by war, like many soldiers around them were.

Still, humans and humanoids were social by nature. Even in times of war, many of them sustained friendships and relationships. It seemed inevitable, since they were all gathered in bases and ships, not to mention the missions. They were all sentimental, and the feel of impending death usually brought them together.

Cassian was an unsettling exception.

He didn’t quite remove himself from any kind of interaction. He talked to those who talked to him, and sometimes participated in some group activities with other people on the base. Everyone in the Alliance thought Cassian was a loner. K2 wasn’t sure himself.

There was a difference between loner and lonely. K2 understood why some people might describe Cassian as the first term, but they were wrong. 

K2 had figured that out the first moment they met. If Cassian had wanted to, he could have shot K2 and that would be the end of it. Instead, Cassian took time to deprogram him to serve the Alliance. The first thing K2 found out about Cassian was how lonely he was. 

As he decided to follow Cassian and stay with him (never as his droid, more like a companion), that piece of information got confirmed. He never really discussed that with Cassian, because K2 had thought it wasn’t that much of a deal. It was sad, yes, but it was usually how things were.

Cassian never spoke of his family.He also didn’t speak of former friends, former lovers. For all K2 knew, he was Cassian’s only friend. Which was fine, because he was K2’s only friend, too. The difference was, K2 didn’t need friends.

Many times K2 wondered what Cassian thought about that. What was the reason for his solitude? He had only caught a glimpse of what was on mind a handful of times.

One of those moments happened when they were heading to Yavin 4. The trip wasn’t long, but they had been so filled with work, none of them had been sleeping well. Cassian could stand adverse conditions, but even someone as stubborn as him could see it was better to take every chance to rest. So, during that trip, K2 piloted as Cassian took a nap.

At first, K2 had thought Cassian was calling him. Which was nonsense, because if he needed him, he could have spoken up louder. K2 turned his head to look behind him, only to find Cassian still asleep, half-laying, half-sitting on the chairs in the back, arms crossed in front of him. It was dark, but it wasn’t necessary seeing his face to sense his distress.

A bad dream, K2 reasoned, and looked back ahead. He considered activating autopilot to wake Cassian up, but he didn’t think he would approve of that. Still, it was impossible for K2 to ignore what was happening, as the ship wasn’t exactly large. The best he could do was look away. 

Cassian didn’t scream, but that didn’t mean he was quiet. He kept murmuring some things. Even with his enhanced hearing, K2 could only hear snips of what he was saying. Something about “‘rida Academy”. He woke up with a gasp, his hand gripping the place where he usually kept his handgun.

K2 kept his head high, looking straight ahead. He heard Cassian shuffle and stand up, walking up to sit next to K2. One quick glance at Cassian told K2 that the nap hadn’t help much. He looked exhausted. 

“I’m starting to fear for our safety. A sleep-deprived pilot can't be good.” K2 spoke up, in a teasing tone. 

“I’ll get some sleep when we land, maybe.” Cassian shrugged, voice slightly raspy. The fact that Cassian didn’t tease back didn’t go unnoticed by K2. But he didn’t point it out. 

Instead, he searched in his database for ‘rida Academy’. It took less than a second, and he learned about Carida Academy. Protests protest against the expansion of Republic Militarism. A list of deceased. It took less than a second to see an Andor on that list.

With similar nightmares, K2 said nothing, and Cassian appreciated it. In the end, they both knew K2 didn’t have to say anything. He could infer it, and keep it to himself. That worked for both of them, even if K2 didn’t necessarily like it, and sometimes tried to get him to say anything. If not perfect, it was enough.

That was, until Bodhi arrived.

 

Alcohol was not allowed on the base. It was expensive, and they didn’t really have the time to get drunk and loosen up. That didn’t stop some pilots from smuggling small quantities. They saved it for important occasions, and the senior members didn’t seem to mind.

A few days before Cassian and his crew headed off for their mission, the base decided to throw Bodhi a party of sorts, to celebrate his first assignment with the Alliance. It was K2’s job to distract Bodhi as the others finished decorating the cafeteria with the few things they had in hand. 

Cassian, who wasn’t a party person, and rarely attended any celebration involving alcohol, offered to help in anyway. His excuse was to control the alcohol and the noise. The others weren’t surprised.

Later that day, and with the unofficial permission of one of the leaders (“Keep it down. Lights out at 2300.”), K2 took Bodhi to the cafeteria. They met Cassian in the entrance, who led a confused Bodhi inside. 

Someone turned on the lights, and suddenly there were over 100 people cheering. The noise lasted for a few seconds, and everyone stopped when they saw Bodhi taking a step back, eyes widening as he looked around fearfully. He was taken outside by Cassian, and they both returned moments after, Bodhi holding onto Cassian’s hand and smiling with embarrassment. They all sighed with relief.

After Bodhi was explained what they were doing, and that it was all for fun, he assimilated quite easily everything around him. Even though, he sat on a table apart from the others. He didn’t ask, but Cassian could tell it was making him uneasy, so they turned down the music.

Everything was relatively under control until Cassian had to leave for a moment. He told his crew not to drink too much, and K2 to keep an eye on everyone, knowing they wouldn’t obey him. 

He didn’t really know what he expected. 

He knew one of the reasons why everyone agreed with this celebration was because they could get drunk. It was fine. He would just wake his crew early and make them exercise until the alcohol wore off.

The only thing he hadn’t really thought about was the possibility of Bodhi being such a lightweight. 

“Who gave you Lum? I didn’t even know they had that.” Cassian exclaimed, sniffing the empty mug in front of Bodhi. “Where is K2?”

“Had to… call someone. Don’t remember.” Bodhi slurred. He had moved to a more crowned table, a game of Sabacc in progress. He didn’t seem to have a problem with the loud noises, or how close he was with everyone. He must be really drunk, Cassian thought.

After checking there wasn't more alcohol in hand, Cassian left the cafeteria again. Apparently, K2 and he had been thinking the same thing as him, because when he met the droid halfway through the hall, K2 looked as irritated as Cassian felt. “I was looking for you. It’s almost time to close.” They returned to the cafeteria, and with the help of sober and less drunk people, they took everyone back to their bunks.

K2 was still out carrying the most intoxicated ones when Cassian took Bodhi to their bunk. The whole way Bodhi was babbling, clinging to Cassian in a way that made them stumble sometimes as they walked. The closeness was something Cassian had never wanted, not like that.

“Remind me to never let you drink again.’” Cassian commented as he helped Bodhi lay down on the bed.

“It was fun.” Bodhi murmured. “Won’t be fun tomorrow.” That made Cassian smile slightly. 

“It won’t. I’ll wake you up early in the morning, so you better go to sleep now.”

Bodhi nodded. “Thank you. For the party.” He muttered. “I know you arranged the most part. Except the alcohol.” He added. “I really… appreciate it.” He opened his eyes to meet Cassian’s. He tried to prop himself up with his elbows. “Cassian, I…”

“You should sleep.” Cassian interrupted him gently. 

“This is important.” Bodhi argued.

“If it’s important, it can wait until you’re sober.” Cassian replied, turning off the lights. He waited for Bodhi to keep arguing, but he didn’t. When he turned to the other again, he was already asleep.

 

Bodhi had drunk alcohol before. Just a couple of times, the most memorable one with Galen Erso. He didn’t  
alcohol. He didn’t like the taste, or the burn. He preferred having all his senses working. Besides, getting drunk in the Empire was as reckless as it was impossible.

But he admitted he liked how it felt. Relaxed, less anxious. Everything stopped being too much. Some things stopped overwhelming him. It was easier to talk to people. The few times he got drunk, there was a brief moment when he thought that he could get used to that. Thankfully, the morning after arrived and he changed his mind as he ran to the nearest refresher.

Bodhi felt just as bad now, but thankfully he didn’t need to throw up yet. He sat on the bunk, glancing at the bottle of water on the ground next to him. He chugged it and stood up as silently as he could, not wanting to wake Cassian up. Soon he found out that wasn’t necessary. He wasn’t on the bed.

It was still dark outside, but Cassian had mentioned something about waking up earlier. Still a bit groggy, he brushed his teeth and changed, before he walked out of the room to look for Cassian and the crew.

Bodhi walked around the base (a few people had woken up already, most of them visibly hungover) until he reached the quad. K2 was there, but Cassian wasn’t. 

“I thought it was time to start training?” Bodhi asked as he approached the droid. 

“Cassian told me to wait an hour until we start calling people here. He’s off doing… something.” K2 explained vaguely. 

“I’ve never seen him doing something this early.” Bodhi said, frowning. 

K2 stayed in a contemplative silence for a moment, and Bodhi was wondering anxiously if he shouldn’t have said that when he finally spoke up. 

“He told me to leave him alone. However, that doesn’t mean he would necessarily reject someone else’s company.” He said slowly, looking at Bodhi. The other only blinked up at him.

“Whose company?”

“You both are simply helpless.” K2 shook his head. “You need to talk to him.”

“Talk to…? I don’t- oh.” He remember his conversation with Cassian that night, how the alcohol made him feel brave enough to… “I think I like him, Kay.”

Bodhi expected a thousand different reactions from K2. He braced himself for any harsh words, or something worse. But he was met with K2’s usual irritation and something else, something that looked suspiciously like relief.

“I don’t know why you’re telling me this. But I do know Cassian usually goes to a little garden just outside the unloading area. He must be there. I think he’s the one you should talk to.”

Bodhi glanced at the unloading area and then back at K2. “I don’t- I don’t think I can do it.”

“He likes you too, but he will never tell first. Believe me, I’m doing you both a favor.” As per usual, K2 was the logical one in that situation, and it was ridiculous. “If he tells you otherwise, he’s lying, and I’ll personally talk some sense into him.”

“Okay.” He muttered, nodding to himself. “I’ll go. Thanks.” 

K2 watched him go. Over the years, he had thought he would only trust Cassian. But then Rogue One happened, and he had no other choice but trust the unexpected team created in a rush, because Cassian trusted them. And now, he thought, he trusted Bodhi. And not only because Cassian did. As he got to know him, K2 decided that Bodhi was the perfect person for Cassian to fall in love with.

 

Bodhi had only been in the garden once, and it was when Cassian and K2 gave him a tour around the base. It was a piece of earth that was surprisingly fertile. It had become a tradition for them to plant seeds they found on other planets during missions. Although not all seeds grew, eventually there was a garden full of mismatched plants and flowers.

He had thought it was futile. He couldn’t imagine doing that in the Empire. But he kept it to himself, as many of the people in the base took turns to water some plants, and to trim the hedges. Bodhi had learned yet another difference in between the Empire and the Alliance: there were things like those that were so unnecessary, it was difficult to see they were willing to give their lives for the rebellion. Hobbies and things like parties were concepts Bodhi still tried to make sense of.

Bodhi entered the garden stepping on some crunchy leaves to make sure Cassian heard him. He squinted at the light of the lamps, still on even though the sun was raising. Cassian didn’t turn to him immediately, hunched over one of the plants there.

“Kay sent you here?”

“Yes. Well, yes, he did, but I was looking for you.” He approached Cassian. The flowers in front of him had yellow petals, and had a strong smell. The earth around them was moist, and the pruner next to Cassian told him enough about what he was doing.

“Cempasúchil.” Cassian said, pointing at the plants. “I planted them. They don’t need much care, but…” He shrugged. 

Bodhi wasn’t the best at reading people’s emotions, but he knew Cassian would never avoid his eyes, or look down when he was speaking. Was he mad at him for getting drunk? Disappointed? 

“T-they’re pretty.” He commented weakly, fidgeting with his hands. “Smell nice. I’m sorry.” He added, when Cassian didn’t reply.

“No, no! It’s not your fault.” Cassian quickly said, turning to Bodhi. He sighed. “Sorry. I just woke up in a bad mood.”

Bodhi nodded silently. He now wasn’t sure if he should talk to Cassian about last night. Perhaps he should leave him alone. “You can talk to me about it, if you want.” He said, remembering what Cassian usually said after a nightmare. “I- I’ll leave now.”

 

Cassian knew he had to make a quick decision. He could let Bodhi go, and neither of them would speak of the night before. Nothing would change. He could already see K2’s questioning glance, but he could tolerate those.

Cassian was used to it. Keeping things to himself. But this felt different. He didn’t want that for Bodhi. He didn’t want to keep things from Bodhi, and he didn’t want him to think he had to do that as well. He didn’t deserve it. 

“No.” He grabbed Bodhi’s arm. “It’s fine. You… you said you were looking for me?”

Bodhi nodded tentatively. “I...I think we need to talk. What I was going to say to you last night, I meant it. I still mean it. I...” He stumbled with his words, and ended up making a frustrated noise. “I know what I feel.”

There was a bench near the spot they were standing. Cassian led Bodhi there. Once they sat, Bodhi started again, not knowing how to interpret Cassian’s silence.

“I know what love feels like. A-at least I think I do! I… I have a family. A mother. She taught me a lot of things, just by loving me. I think you would like her, she also could be a little overprotective.” Cassian chuckled at this, and Bodhi felt a little relieved. “People think they’re subtle, but I hear everyone on the base talking about you, about me, and it’s fine, you know? It’s not the first time that has happened to me, but you never say anything, and I thought… I didn’t know if it was okay to keep this secret from you.” He had misplaced his goggles, and he really wished he had them. He didn’t like fidgeting, and it was better pretending he was adjusting them. “You don’t- you don’t have say anything. I didn’t expect you to. I understand if you were trying to… be nice. I should’ve thought this more.” He mumbled, all his confidence gone. He didn’t even dare look at Cassian in the eyes.

“I’ve thought about this for both of us, I think.” Cassian finally spoke. “But something I didn’t think about was that the feeling was mutual.”

“Uh?” 

“I’m sorry, Bodhi. We should have talked about this earlier, even if it was just a crush.” He rubbed his eyes, and Bodhi just noted the circles under them. He must have been staring at them, because Cassian reddened. “Like I said, woke up in a bad mood. I… I had a nightmare.”

The look Bodhi gave him wasn’t one of pity, but one of utmost understanding and respect of the person that had been through the same thing. Out of impulse, Cassian took Bodhi’s hand. 

“Thank you for telling me that.I just don’t know what to do.” He admitted. “I’ve never been one to… to be close to others. I don’t want to. I’ve lost people before, and I know I’ll lose even more. It’s better than way, separating myself from others. After all I’ve done…” His voice trailed off.

Bodhi took Cassian’s hand in his, squeezing slightly. “You’ve done it all for the Rebellion, no?”

“Ever since I remember, yes. But it doesn’t have to be like that all the time. Sometimes you have to do things for yourself. And those are the ones that hurt the most.”

Bodhi frowned slightly, as if he didn’t quite understand that, and Cassian added it to the list of things he would explain again in another occasion.

“I’ve never talked to you about this because I don’t tend to. I never knew I would get attached to you. And I don’t want you to think that, just because I’m the closest to you-”

Bodhi swatted Cassian’s arm. Cassian knew he meant to be playful, but it hurt. “I don’t think that. Cassian, when I’m with you… I feel like I want to live beyond the war. I never really thought I would survive for long, and with my family gone, I didn’t care. But now I do. Just to...see what it would be like.”

Cassian wasn’t usually the one to cry easily, but it had been a rough night. He smiled at Bodhi gently, blinking back tears, and realising that yes, he would also like what it would be like. 

“It’s not going to be perfect.” He warned.

“I don’t mind.” Was Bodhi’s quick response. “We can take it slow, if you want. There’s no rush.”

They both knew that wasn’t quite true. The world they lived in was always rushing, and the people that didn’t catch up, died. But they also felt, now that they’d almost died the same day, it would be likely for it to happen again, without the luck of the first time. The Force was prone to tragedy that way.

“Slow.” Cassian agreed, standing up. “I think it’s time we wake the rest of the crew.”

“So you weren’t joking about the training?”

“I never joke about that. Don’t think this will get you laps off.”

**Author's Note:**

> i think this is the end! i might write more of this but so far the series is done. if you have any prompts or things you'll like me to write next, message me on my tumblr at cahssian! thank you for joining me in this and for the support


End file.
